I’m amazed looking back over my calendar that it is swiftly approaching the end of May.
June 1st will mark 3 months, the way half mark of Finn’s basic training. As much as every day drags, and trust me every single one does, i’m shocked that we’ve nearly got to half way.
Before Finn left, I was hoping that he would change his mind. I was hoping that he would get so far, decide the army wasn’t for him and he would leave before he was officially ‘locked in’ for four years. He’d leave and we’d both be moving into a flat together and we’d be able to properly start our lives. Of course at the back of my mind I always knew it would never come down to that. This has been his passion for so many years and I knew that he would stay. He’s a strong person… strong enough for the both of us. That would always get us both through this. It amazes me every day how he’s learnt something new; something he’s excited to tell me about. I’ve never seen him this passionate, this fulfilled, this happy.
As each week goes by I know that i’m most definitely in this for the long haul. Even so far away from my boy, i’ve never felt so loved. This venture isn’t just his. It’s ours.
I’ve had the worst of weeks this week though. My health is currently appalling and the doctors have made an executive decision to put me on a Modulen diet for 6 weeks. Modulen is a brand name for a meal replacement shake. It contains all the correct nutrients to keep me alive and well whilst allowing me not to eat solid food for a period of time in order to give my digestive system a rest. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, but it’s not easy. The doctors told me that it was a last resort pretty much. If I didn’t take drastic action I would end up needing emergency surgery. The outcome of my appointment was surgery but at least this means I can hopefully finish my exams this year without too much disruption. I’m devastated. After battling Crohn’s for 10 years my body has decided it doesn’t want to respond to medication any more. I’ve sat and cried this out with my mum for the past 2 days, yet I’m still sat here welling up at the prospect of having such life changing surgery.
Finn is doing so well and I’m so happy for him. But I feel like he’s racing ahead and I’m still sat here on the starting line. Back to square one, an exam on Monday, no food or drink (bar water) for six weeks and holiday plans cancelled. There are hundreds of things in my life i’m grateful for. A roof over my head, an extraordinary family, a loving boyfriend and friends, an education. But i’m not feeling that grateful for this pain right now. Nothing a good nights sleep won’t fix I guess.